Midwestern Mom's Musings

My view of the world through words & photos

I Know

[On Monday, September 24, my husband Bill died.  I felt a pain that I would never have believed survivable.  But I am surviving.  I’ve been away from this blog while I focused on caring for him and meeting our family’s needs.  Now I return to once again help myself understand the world around me.  These are the words that flowed out from me late Monday evening.]


Today I lost my husband.  That just doesn’t sound right.  I didn’t lose him…today my husband Bill died.  He suffered a massive heart attack and his heart was so weak from fighting for so long that no matter what I did, no matter what the EMTs did, no matter what the doctors and nurses did, he couldn’t recover one more time.

I’m writing now in the dark after putting our daughter to bed, after trying to figure out how to bring our son home from college, and while waiting for my brother to arrive from California because this is what I do – I write to deal.  I write and read to understand.  I write to organize and analyze.

I have so many questions and very few answers right now.  There are some things that I am sure of that I need to record now.

I know that Bill loved me and I loved him and it was God’s most amazing gift to bring us together.

I know that our beautiful children, Ben and Beka, were blessed with a loving dad who showed them the beauty of a caring father who supported them in everything they did.

I know that my husband was raised by a wonderful, loving and insightful mother whom I thank God for.

I know that in his quiet way, Bill touched the lives of so many adults and children.

I know that he was taken from me too soon but I will cherish every memory of our nearly 22 years together (almost 20 of them as husband and wife).

I know that I am grateful for these last years of unemployment so I could be here helping Bill through all of the challenges he faced.

I know that we have been blessed with family and friends who have supported us, loved us, fed us and cared for us throughout it all.

I know I have a hole in my heart and a stone in my stomach that may never go away completely, but will hopefully cause me less pain with each wonderful memory of Bill.


9 comments on “I Know

  1. Deb Sistrunk Nelson
    September 28, 2012

    Kathy, you have my prayers and condolences. God bless your family. This is my first visit to your site. I can assure you that I’ll be back. Take care of yourself.

  2. Robin Tidwell
    September 28, 2012

    Our condolences to all of you, Kathy….

  3. Nancy
    September 28, 2012

    Kathy, my cousin Therese informed me of your tragic loss. I send my deepest condolences. Unfortunately, I know too well what you’re feeling. Four years ago, my husband was killed by a drunk driver at the age of 40.

    I, too, kept a blog and found that writing was a tremendous help (http://www.patrick.sawyersweb.com).

    Another tremendous help for me was the site, YoungWidow.org, particularly the bulletin boards where hundreds of other young widows come to commiserate, share, and make the long road toward healing. You can check it out here when you’re ready: http://www.ywbb.org I wasn’t ready to read about others’ pain for a few months, since my own pain was so terrible.

    Please feel free to contact me any time if you’d like.

  4. Ellen Scholten
    September 28, 2012

    Kathy, I don’t know if you remember me , but your kids know me from the J. I am so sorry for your loss. Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Please tell Ben and Beka how sad I am for them and you. You have written a beautiful tribute.
    Ellen Scholten

  5. teamharman
    September 28, 2012

    so sorry.I hope you and your family can help each other through this and find some happiness in sharing your memories of him.

  6. Jennifer Eby Fowler
    September 28, 2012

    I’m so sorry for your family. I thought of you all day today. I’m sure you were surrounded by loving friends and family. Wish I could have been there for you too
    😦 I know you have God’s comfort to lean on too as you deal with this. You’re always in my prayers, Jenn

  7. Ms. J
    September 29, 2012

    Beautifully written Kathy….time heals all wounds. Writing will help you get out the pain inside. The Lord will hold your hands and lead your family down the road to recovery and healing. You have our continued prayers and support.

  8. Scott Brigham
    October 2, 2012

    Oh, my, I’m SO sorry to hear this news. Take god care of yourself and your family.

  9. marlene barron
    October 5, 2012

    Dear one, Keep writing and writing and writing. I have on my galoshes, raincoat, winter coat, scarf, gloves, hat, a sturdy umbrella to help you walk though this storm. It has been a long season…It is such a blessing to see how your unemployment was not an accident. But, perfectly planned for this season. Jer. 29:11-12

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This entry was posted on September 28, 2012 by in Family, Reflections, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , .
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