My view of the world through words & photos
(For those of you who opened this posting expecting lurid details about my first sexual encounter, my initial response is, “Shame on you.” My next response is, “Seriously?!?!?!!?” If that’s what you’re looking for, you’re on the wrong blog.)
Tonight, the St. Louis metro area experienced it’s first major spring storm of the season (that was actually a spring storm – not like the snow storm we had five days after spring began). Beka was at home and I was at church. The tornado sirens sounded and my heart started beating faster.
Some of the people I was with said we were in a safe place since the church is made of bricks. I pointed out that every wall has very large stained glass windows.
Shortly after the sirens sounded, my phone pinged to announce a new text. It was from Beka. She said she and the cat were in the basement and would stay put until the storm was over. (Apparently, all those trips down to the basement over the years were lessons learned since I didn’t have to call her and tell her what to do.)
While my heartbeat slowed down a little, it still was beating harder than normal. No mother wants to be away from her child when she knows her child is possibly in the path of danger. And then it hit me. Not only was I away from her while the sirens were sounding, but I was her only parent.
As I sat on the floor in one of the few rooms in the church that didn’t have any windows, I prayed. I prayed so hard. I felt the passion of my prayers throughout my body.“Lord, please keep us all safe. Just as the shadow of death passed over your people in Egypt, please let any danger pass over your people here. Please make sure everyone takes cover. Please keep Beka safe. Please keep me safe. We can’t handle any more grief right now.”
These were the prayers that flowed from my lips. At first my prayers were just in my head…and then I realized they were being said out loud. It was as if I wanted to make sure God heard me over the storm that was raging outside.
The sirens sounded two times tonight. Each time Beka texted that she was safe and fine, and cautioned me to be safe, too.
I was finally able to drive home about an hour after the first siren sounded. I had to work so hard at driving the speed limit since all I wanted to do was to get home as quickly as possible.
When I got home, I found what I should have found…lights were on in rooms that had been emptied quickly, the basement door was closed and Beka was settled in down in the basement. For the next several minutes, she indulged me by just letting me hold her and hug her. I felt the tension leave me and my heartbeat returned to normal.
We were fine. The news reports are showing the results of high wind and tornado damage in the area. I pray for the families in those areas. I also pray that all the firefighters and police officers are kept safe as they selflessly respond and assist.
This storm brought me to a place I didn’t like at all. It was a place filled with fear and lack of control. Not having control of every situation is something I’ve battled with for many years. Having fear overtake me because I was the sole parent in this family was a new and horrible feeling. The first one I can accept. I’m not quite sure how to deal with the second one. It once again reminded me that Bill is gone and in so many ways I’m alone while surrounded by so many other people.
Now my prayers turn to requests for help from our Lord. May He give me the insight to understand and manage these raw emotions, which cannot benefit any of us. May I understand and fully accept that He will take care of us.
One thing I am sure of is that my daughter and her bother have had to grow up much faster than others their age. Tonight, she showed me once again that she knows how to respond in a dangerous situation. And while it won’t stop me from worrying in the future, I hope it helps lower my stress level a little.