My view of the world through words & photos
I’ve had a hard time coming into the month of September, because I knew what was going to happen. I knew that day I had been dreading was rapidly approaching and I seemed to be doing everything possible to slow that time down.
The closer it came, the longer it seemed to take me to do everything. It’s as though my mind was saying: if you go slower, if you don’t get things done as quickly, then that time to see September 24 on the calendar won’t come and you won’t have to acknowledge that a year has gone by.
I know he is no longer in pain. I know he is in the most beautiful, wonderful place. I know that he is experiencing God’s love in its purest form, and that he has no more cares and no more worries. But that doesn’t lessen the pain. That doesn’t lessen the grief. That doesn’t lessen how much I miss him…or lessen how much I want him here. Not just spiritually by my side, but physically by my side…holding my hand…giving me a hug.
I feel so cheated. There were still so many things we were planning to do, so many places to travel to, and so many more experiences to have together.
I don’t feel cheated just for me, but for our kids. He’s never going to see them graduate, not in the congregation where he should be. (He wasn’t there when Beka graduated last year.) He’s not going to see our kids go through college, get their first jobs, their first apartments. He’s not going to be there to give counsel when they face their first real challenges, when they face their first failures as adults. He’s not going to be there if, and when, they get married. He’s not going to walk Beka down the aisle or have that first dance with her. He’s not going to be able to tell Ben what it means to be a loving husband and a caring father. He’s not going to be able to hold his grandchildren after they’ve first entered this world. And he’s not going to be able to play all those games he played with our kids as a grandpa with his grandchildren.
It’s so unfair to us.
It’s just too soon for a year to have gone by.
And yet, it has. And we are still here. We are still getting up each morning and moving forward each day, even if it’s a very small step forward. This view of the sky this morning after I had been as Mass, which was said in Bill’s memory, reminded me of something very important. No matter how harsh the storm, or how long it rages, the light will eventually shine through the storm clouds. It will shine through because it has always been there.
God has provided us with His light in the form of so many loving people. Our friends and family have been instrumental in our forward progress. They have been like angels for us. They seem to know when we need a hug, or a shoulder. They send an e-mail or call on the phone just when we need that connection. God bless them, they have listened to us for hours as we try to sort out our new reality. Their patience has been beyond the call of friendship, and so essential.
So our prayers of thanksgiving for these blessings continue. Our pain also continues, but not as continuously sharp as it was a year ago.
This is not a journey I wanted to be on at any time. If I have to be on it, though, I’m very glad to have such wonderful traveling companions.