Midwestern Mom's Musings

My view of the world through words & photos

Three Years Ago

Three years ago I poured my grief out in the best way I knew. I sat in my bedroom, alone, writing…trying to capture all the emotions that were running through my brain. I felt alone, critically injured and forever changed. ( I Know )

IMGP5999Here I am three years later.  While I don’t feel critically wounded, I have come to truly understand that I am forever changed. Some of that is good. Some of it is not so good.

I used to worry about being the perfect _______. The perfect child. The perfect wife. The perfect mother. The perfect friend.   The perfect worker. The perfect Catholic. Now I know that I am not, and never need to be, the perfect anything.

IMGP6000I know I have a great deal to offer. I am a caring, compassionate and intelligent person. I don’t have to work on proving myself to be more than I am. If anyone doesn’t like what they see, they are welcome to leave with no bad feelings. My family and friends love me as I am – they may not always understand me, but they love me, and part of loving me is accepting me. Accepting that I am not perfect. Accepting that I don’t do things exactly the way they do them. Accepting that no matter how imperfect I am, I am a child of God who is trying to do my best in a situation I rarely understand and that is good enough.

IMGP6055I’ve been in a very dark place for the last couple of months. I had forgotten or discounted all of those qualities I just listed. I saw myself as useless, unworthy and uncared for. Until the last few days.

The last few days, especially today on the third anniversary of Bill’s death, I have been reminded of the second key thing I’ve learned – Bill is gone but I am not alone. During the last few days I’ve received so many hugs, kind words of support, texts, e-mails, cards and other signs of love from my sweet, wonderful friends.

IMGP6054I recently heard another widow ask if it ever gets easier. I don’t know that it all ever gets easier, thought I think some parts do. I’m coming to the realization that other parts will always be hard and painful but I have to decide how to handle them and not let them control me for my sake, as well as for my kids’ sake.

This is not the journey Bill and I had planned so many years ago when we began our life together, but it is the journey I am now on. With the help of God, my family and my friends, I will move forward trying always to be the best, most real person I can be.


One comment on “Three Years Ago

  1. avalonlara
    September 20, 2016

    Kathy, in your story is my story. Thank you for sharing your journey. This is beautiful! I’m so glad I’ve found you, or you found me, or we found each other!

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This entry was posted on September 24, 2015 by in Family, Reflections, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , .
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