My view of the world through words & photos
Three years ago I poured my grief out in the best way I knew. I sat in my bedroom, alone, writing…trying to capture all the emotions that were running through my brain. I felt alone, critically injured and forever changed. ( I Know )
Here I am three years later. While I don’t feel critically wounded, I have come to truly understand that I am forever changed. Some of that is good. Some of it is not so good.
I used to worry about being the perfect _______. The perfect child. The perfect wife. The perfect mother. The perfect friend. The perfect worker. The perfect Catholic. Now I know that I am not, and never need to be, the perfect anything.
I know I have a great deal to offer. I am a caring, compassionate and intelligent person. I don’t have to work on proving myself to be more than I am. If anyone doesn’t like what they see, they are welcome to leave with no bad feelings. My family and friends love me as I am – they may not always understand me, but they love me, and part of loving me is accepting me. Accepting that I am not perfect. Accepting that I don’t do things exactly the way they do them. Accepting that no matter how imperfect I am, I am a child of God who is trying to do my best in a situation I rarely understand and that is good enough.
I’ve been in a very dark place for the last couple of months. I had forgotten or discounted all of those qualities I just listed. I saw myself as useless, unworthy and uncared for. Until the last few days.
The last few days, especially today on the third anniversary of Bill’s death, I have been reminded of the second key thing I’ve learned – Bill is gone but I am not alone. During the last few days I’ve received so many hugs, kind words of support, texts, e-mails, cards and other signs of love from my sweet, wonderful friends.
I recently heard another widow ask if it ever gets easier. I don’t know that it all ever gets easier, thought I think some parts do. I’m coming to the realization that other parts will always be hard and painful but I have to decide how to handle them and not let them control me for my sake, as well as for my kids’ sake.
This is not the journey Bill and I had planned so many years ago when we began our life together, but it is the journey I am now on. With the help of God, my family and my friends, I will move forward trying always to be the best, most real person I can be.